Proper Barnstar

The perpetual manchild that is Proper_Barnstar was born against his better judgement. Aside from a panic of mortified doctors trying to prevent his intrusive and inescapable emergence into this world, he never quite developed that love for daylight and bear hugs that comes so naturally to others.

By the time of his fifth birthday he became so disgusted at the notion of celebratory cakes and strawberry sorbet that he began actively petitioning for the banishment of birth certificates, only to be taken into custody by federal agents on one pleasant preschool afternoon during nap time.

Dropping out of space academy several years later, Barnstar turned his love for cold airless environments toward international politics, campaigning to become the first Ruler of Earthly Elements, a surprising turn of events that earned him the distinguishable yet disreputable accolade of World’s Worst Human, of which no other bipedal primate in the history of the planet has yet to rival.

Barnstar’s humiliating self-banishment to Mars was a long and lonely stay, though fortunately upon his twelfth birthday he came upon a newly-invented social media device called the rotary telephone. At first it was fun to simply whirl his finger around in the circular dial and squeal with utter joy; yet it soon became increasingly apparent that this newfound technology could be used to link to something called the Networkhood™ —a series of interconnected servers that was able to unite the world like never before.

Despite the likes of FacePad, Twirpie, Twatchy and TakTok ruining this brilliant technological opportunity for humankind, the Networkhood still somehow became a hub of relevant and reliable information.

However it wasn’t until decades later of living on the red planet  that Barnstar’s interplanetary delivery of a brand new 56k dial-up modem finally arrived from Earth. With such cutting edge highspeed power, the now 41 year old Barnstar could enjoy unlimited access to vital information as well as live Lego streams, a privilege the likes of which he had never known, rivaling that of his portable FM radio.

It was there in the cyberspace that our tragic antihero discovered the lovable online communities he knows today, including Squaretropolis, Scarsylvania, and the Kingdom of Lavilot. Aside from a violent uprising that sought to dislodge Barnstar from “actively participating in social media of any kind, from now until the sun burns itself out,” such attempts have remained elusive.

Given the controversial and oftentimes cataclysmic nature of this formidable entity, Barnstar remains steadfast in the belief that those he has met and befriended online, especially those within the infamous Square Gang, shall be considered family to him forevermore.

* Any information in the above biography shall remain factual until proven otherwise.